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How To Out Pedal An African Elephant

By Joe Kurmaskie

I know what you’re thinking. When will I ever need this information? But the world’s an unpredictable place — just ask any childhood star of a TV sitcom. Around the next corner could be a bag of money or perhaps a worked up pachyderm. Statistically you may think the need to outpace a twelve thousand pound African elephant charging your mountain bike in deep sand is on par with Eskimos sending out for party ice at the annual potlatch, but you’ll wish you had some skills when it all goes down. Think of this as my public service announcement to you.

It was the second day in country and the first full one in the saddle. We numbered 300 riders on a South African fundraising bike adventure with Children In The Wilderness. Divided into groups of about twenty, with two guides, the plan called for 100 plus kilometers per day through remote bush on full suspension bikes; the ride of a lifetime. By the end we’d pedal through six private game preserves and four national parks in five countries. From wart hogs to waterbuck, this was unfettered country with no fences and very little back up; only an ATV or helicopter could be summoned to get you out if you couldn’t keep going under your own power. In years past the guides rode with guns strapped over their shoulders, messenger bag style, but this practice was discontinued when a guide accidentally discharged one into his foot. Now they carry something called elephant bangers, meant to scare off a charging bull with a loud noise ... eyes rolled every time it made an appearance.

I’d love to say that I followed the suggested training routine for six months leading up to this adventure, and I did in a way, if chasing three lively boys through playground sand, sometimes through the thicker grade found on the beach, counts. Then there was the assistance I offered my pregnant wife — lets call it the family man’s form of pilates. My training schedule is the same year round: Get on your bike, rinse, repeat.

So no, I didn’t take the formal training schedule seriously. I laughed off the part of the application that asked for blood type, but I wasn’t laughing at the end of the first day. This was billed as a tour, but many folks didn’t get the memo. I’d been misplaced in one of the lead groups full of former cricket players and type-A types with something to prove — mostly, that it’s possible to pedal a bicycle across a stretch of Africa without looking up.

When our guide, who was riding a tandem mountain bike with his wife like it was about to become a new category in the Tour de France, yelled “Tighten up!” for the millionth time that morning, I decided to drop back with the game viewers group. These were my peeps. Their idea was to strip down and cool off at watering holes, to point out the flora and fauna along the way and take full advantage of the rest stop offerings. The only downside of being with the game viewers is that sometimes the game had had enough.

It’s worth mentioning here that I’d spent the night before in a port-a-potty. Malaria pills are unnecessary during the dry season, but I didn’t get that memo either. Winter in that part of the world means high temps of 95 degrees and bone-dry riverbeds — no water, no mosquitoes. I swore off the malaria pills after the first dose, but it had me in a weakened state for pedaling a bike 100 kilometers, even weaker for out-pacing an elephant. I was the last of the slow group of riders when the massive creature’s good cheers ran out. After watching touristy photographing cyclists go by all day, he finally had enough — he waved his ears to warn me to move along but when he finished he charged, I had to dig deep — you don’t want to be caught flatfooted when an elephant decides to charge. It’s amazing when a lifetime of riding allows muscle memory to take over. If I’d leaned into the handlebars and pushed down I’d have gone over in deep sand. Instead, some reptilian part of my brain remembered to sit back behind the saddle, go loose on the handlebars, pedal fast but feel light and float over the sand.

I’m told that it was a mock charge, elephants only mean business when they tuck their trunks up and in, leading with the tusks. You could have fooled me.

Some people think I make this stuff up, but the elephant “encounter” was caught on tape. To see the whole thing go to: youtube.com/watch?v=jnUWSSe69YI

To get in on the fun, take the ride of a lifetime and raise funds for a great cause that gives local children a chance at careers in ecotourism, go to childreninthewilderness.com to find out more.

Joe Kurmaskie rides a bike for the joy of it. His next book, “Mud, Sweat and Gears: One Family’s Rowdy Adventure Across Canada on Seven Wheels,” is now available. For more information go to www.metalcowboy.com