by Joe Kurmaskie

Opinion

The Proper Care, Feeding and Transport of Little Metal Cowboys

For all the countless glories of parenthood, on certain days it makes a parent feel like a hostage negotiator with a broken bullhorn.

We have three little metal cowboys — a pint-sized posse and the makings of a sports team learning the ropes around the ranch these days. Toeheaded cowpokes with devil-may-care grins and enough bottled energy to power medium size solar systems. Karma coming ‘round for all the noise and chaos I caused for my parents years ago.

Unlike a bicycle adventure, where if I wasn’t happy with the situation I could offer a nod, shrug and a wave – then pedal on down the road – fatherhood doesn’t have a pause button, and forget finding an off switch. Nope, everything is front and center, no dress rehearsals. We’re a full service, twenty-four-seven operation. It’s like joining the army; instead of tanks and artillery, your field equipment includes Johnny Jumpers, car seats and sippy-cups. The commander in chief is someone named Barney, his staff officer training the recruits is Curious George and headquarters is over on Sesame Street. Forget calling in the cavalry. For all the grandparent’s love and affection, those family members asking if you need anything in the weeks after you get home from the hospital, there’s no back up in the still of the night, just you and your will to carry on. Hyperbole? Trust me, you will
see combat.

When Beth was pregnant with our first child, a woman in line at the bank, a mother of three grabbing and reaching for kids’ cartwheeling around her legs, offered this piece of advice. “Have one, even two, but no more. The secret is, never let ‘em outflank you.” At the time I thought she was something of a drama queen. These days she stands out in my mind as a harried prophet.

Of course, we had three — two boys close in age, then a bonus baby six years later because it wasn’t enough of a Ramones song with just two. We’re not Catholic, just careless.

I thought I knew something about zone defense. I was mistaken.

Most of our long range planning involves simply getting through the days unscathed, but I do harbor one distant dream; a sweet carrot of a plan that calls to me like the most seductive sirens of Homer’s Odyssey.

When my boys hit driving age, we’re going to Kiwi country, New Zealand. And we’re gonna pedal around that paradise of sheep and rolling green hills until their testosterone is done spiking and they can get their heads back in the game. I figure 10,000 miles in the saddle should do the trick. A vague, distant dream, but it’s what gets me through. Beth laughs and rolls her eyes whenever I bring up the subject.

If you are a parent, or contemplating it, boys or girls – it doesn’t matter, here are a few instructions that will get you acclimatized and smooth over some of the rougher patches.

Off the Bike

• If you find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile, practice controlled weaving in heavy traffic. Toss small, hard to grab objects under the backseats then dig around for them while maintaining one hand on the wheel, a line of sight and the lane. Better yet, as soon as they’re old enough to be in a trailer, get out of the car and onto the bicycle.

• Stay up for a week straight. It’ll pay off during cold and flu season.

• Start rocking and swaying in public. Some will confuse you for a mad dog left too long in the noon day sun, but this is trifling compared to the daily indignities of parenthood. The rocking and swaying will keep your inner calm in balance.

• Review all the nursery rhymes and camp songs known to man. You’ll find yourself involuntarily humming these alone in public. Just go with it.

• Try strapping a bag of potatoes to your chest to get a feel for your future. Carry it on your shoulders at different points in the day. Get someone to throw rabbit punches to your midsection when you least expect it. Have them pull your hair hard occasionally and stick wet plastic things in your ears for
good measure.

On the Bike

• Become skilled at peeling, shelling, uncapping and distributing food and drink without breaking your cadence or losing your balance. Install an insulated, easy to clean lining inside your handlebar bag. And under no circumstances should you allow half eaten bananas to remain inside.

• Realize that it is not child abuse to ask your son or daughter to stand up on the pedals of their piccolo and hammer with you up that final hill.

• Prepare yourself for a litany of questions and observations reaching your ear from behind. These range from insightful to informative to inspired to insane. “A dog with three legs is chasing us.” “Car engines should shut off when they aren’t driven right.” “Can trees talk?” and my all time favorite, “Would you like to ride in the trailer for awhile, Dad?”

Keep a pen and pad handy, to write this stuff down.

• Never use them as a excuse not to ride. “It’s too cold, wet, hot – fill in the blank here – for the kids to get on the bike.” This is just you not wanting to pull the burden of your generation around town. These excuses can be countered with fleece, rain jackets, gloves and sunscreen.

• Every mile you pedal with kids in tow equals five miles of training without them. When we got back from caravanning across Canada with three sons and all our gear attached (438 pounds of extra weight), I entered a local race series and landed in the top three. Guys with sponsorships and names of car companies on their jerseys were left confused and shaken.

• Make it fun for them and they’ll choose the bike over the backseat for years to come. Bring toys and treats, stop at playgrounds and make the ride quality time to talk and scheme with your wolf pack. You’ll still be staying up nights and dealing with the chaos of parenthood, but a family that rides together rolls better with the punches that the rest of the day throws at them.

But do brush up on those songs. You’re gonna need ‘em.

Joe “Metal Cowboy” Kurmaskie’s new stories, rants, riffs and slideshow from his recent Canadian adventure will soon be the book, “Mud, Sweat and Gears,” due out June 2009 or so he says.